Self-Respect is Setting Boundaries
A boundary is a word that is thrown around a lot and it is mostly used when we are dealing with difficult people. What I don’t think is talked about enough is the meaning and what boundaries represent from the person who is setting them.
Let’s first discuss what is a “boundary”. A boundary is defined as a mark of a limit. When it comes to relationships, a boundary sets a limit of what we are going to tolerate from someone else. If someone “crosses our boundary,” we are stating that they are doing something that we do not want.
Now, we cannot control people. But, we can control our interactions with them, how we respond, and what we choose to engage in. So a simple boundary might be: “I’m no longer talking to my mother about my love life.”
Progressing that more: “if my mother brings up my love life I am not going to engage in the conversation.”
Let’s be more specific: “at lunch today, if my mother asks me about who I’m dating, I will tell her I am dating no one and will change the subject to school.”
The last part of the boundary that was created had something in what we like to refer to as a SMART goal. Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, and Time Sensitive. If we do not go into specifics with boundaries, we are creating ourselves to be more vulnerable and thus allowing others to cross them.
Specific: my mother asking me about who I’m dating
Measurable: my action of telling her I’m not dating anyone and changing the subject to school
Attainable: I’m having lunch with her today
Realistic: I can change the subject to school
Time-Sensitive: at lunch today
This process will help create the boundary but also help you see if there are any holes in the boundary that may be easily crossed by others.
Another huge aspect that is commonly ignored is the “why.”
Why are you having to set this boundary? “My mother makes me feel less than when she reminds me that I’m not dating anyone and gives me advice which makes me feel frustrated.”
The feelings of “less than” and “frustration” are the why and this needs to be reminded when we set boundaries with others. People who are used to you not having boundaries will push against these limits and make you feel guilty for setting them. To be reminded of the "why", will keep you firm and the most important - consistent.
Now that we know what a boundary is and how to set one, we need to talk about what boundaries represent which is ultimately self-respect. We think that setting boundaries with others pushes people away but what it reminds others is how we would like to be treated. If we never show our limits, we will be pushed to be taken advantage of.
Lastly, we have to discuss our boundaries that we set on ourselves and how that shows others our self-respect.
If I say: “I’m not going to talk to her anymore because she continues to be rude to me” and then I continue talking to her, it shows others that my words do not have credibility. After a while, we are not held to the same respect when we talk about things because we can not hold our self accountable for our boundaries we set.
Be mindful of the things we say to ourselves when we need to set a boundary and ask ourselves our “why” and if the boundary is SMART.
Let’s focus on creating balance through boundaries. Like with any change, do one boundary at a time before proceeding to create another.
