A Case for the Narcissist

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I come with this not because narcissists need defending, they are very good at doing this themselves, but I come to this blog with the idea of understanding the creation of a narcissist so that we can ultimately view them as a behavior. It is a lot easier to challenge and confront a narcissist, or anything really if we choose to understand them instead of condemning them. 

First, we need to define what classifies someone as a narcissist and the different types of narcissism. 

There are 2 over-arching types of narcissists; Overt and Covert. 

An Overt Narcissist and the traits associated with this include: 

• grandiosity

• attention-seeking

• superficial charm

• exaggeration (of themselves or experiences)

• one-upmanship (always trying to show they are better or experienced something grander than your experience)

• excessive self-importance

• blatant entitlement

• aggressive manipulation

• negative put-downs towards others

• arrogant condescension (treating someone as if you are more important than them)

A Covert Narcissist and the traits associated with this include:

• A reserved or self-effacing attitude

• Humility or a tendency to put themselves down

• Smugness or quiet superiority

• Passive-aggressive behavior

• Envy of others and/or feeling that they deserve what other people have

• A lack of empathy for the feelings or situations of other people

• A tendency to step in and help others out of a desire for recognition

These narcissists are quite similar yet quite different. They both are attention-seeking but they do it in very different ways. One uses their importance and charm to get what they need while the other uses the sympathy of others to feel special. The thing that they have in common is that they both need to feel special or different which they cannot do without others. This is why people tend to call them “emotional feeders” because they need others to complete their internal characteristics to feel whole. This is something that they cannot do themselves. 

What I want you to notice is that children do these behaviors and we wouldn’t think anything of it. We label these things as “phases” in development. What we notice and tend to “diagnose” is when an adult continues these behaviors. What we aren’t concluding is that these adults, who I most certainly believe did these things as children, were never taught how to build their self-worth, their authenticity, or to meet their needs without doing this. This shows that these individuals were having to complete this behavior just to get attention, to feel loved, to feel, well, anything. Now that this becomes their major source of dopamine, they have now become “addicted” to this idea of needing others to fulfill them. 

A great read on narcissism and trauma is The Murray Method by Marilyn Murray. What I love about this book is she displays how narcissism is made and it is through abuse. 

In the book, she points out 7 different types of narcissism. Here are the 7 different types and their characteristics as well as their development:

1. Survival Narcissism

   1. Someone is deprived of food, clothing, shelter, personal safety, and security.

These people are in survival and they are always going to think about themselves first to fulfill their inherent need to survive. This person will always choose their needs above others to satiate the fear of losing one or more of the above needs. Some of the characteristics this person displays would be under the covert narcissistic category. 

1. A Narcissist by Proxy

   1. Someone is told that they have no worth unless they follow some sort of structure (family, religion, government, etc.)

People will develop their self-worth around a particular identity and when they lose that identity for any reason, their self-worth and admiration go along with it. These people will exploit others for their benefit, disregard their integrity, will be domineering and controlling, and do not respect others. This person would fall under the overt narcissistic category. 

1. Entitled Narcissist

   1. Someone who lived with privilege and always expected to be treated as someone who deserved something special.

   2. They may never know what it would be like to not be on top and have no empathy for people who are lower or beneath them.

These individuals were usually raised in a home where they never had to develop any skills to reach connection and were only given attention when given the things they craved the most. These people will never know true intimacy and earning respect because they were never shown a healthy relationship from the very beginning. This would be an overt narcissist.

1. Power Narcissist

   1. Someone who was deprived during childhood and had little or nothing.

This individual believes that they deserve something in their life for things they were deprived of in their past. They feel they need to “make-up” for what they never had. These individuals may have more empathy than the other types due to being at the “bottom” at one time but they will do anything (charm, manipulate, betray, etc) to get what they want regardless of your role in their life. This would be classified as a covert narcissist. 

1. Victim Narcissist

   1. Someone who has experienced abuse of some kind and their identity becomes “the victim” based on their abuse.

These individuals believe they deserve special treatment because of the abuse they endured and this keeps them stuck from moving towards a healthy lifestyle because the victim mentality feeds their self-worth. The victim narcissist has no problem setting boundaries with others but will step over others’ boundaries which causes them to become the victimizer as well. This is an example of a covert narcissist. 

1. Caretaker Narcissist

   1. Someone who was never appreciated or valued unless they were giving to others.

   2. Someone who comes from a home of emotional deprivation and neglect.

People who were only given love when they were meeting the needs of others. They will become the classic codependents but they are trying to fill this “hole” left by their parents that will never be filled by another person. This causes the person to develop a martyr personality where they give and give to others and feels betrayed and resentful when nothing is given in return. This is an example of a covert narcissist.

1. Spoiled Narcissist

   1. Someone who suffered from deprivation because the parents are self-centered and cannot give anything to their children.

   2. Someone who had parents who were smothering and intrusive.

These opposite extremes cause the individual to feel that their self-worth is driven by their need for others to care for them. One person is desperately seeking admiration and acceptance because they never received it from their caretakers, while the other is looking for a mate/spouse to fill the role of the parent to continue taking care of them. The core belief from one being “I can never do enough” and the other being “I am always enough.” This individual can be overt and covert depending on the extreme. 

It is important to recognize which narcissist that you are currently working with so that you can understand their behavior. It is possible to have a normal relationship with someone who suffers from narcissistic tendencies when they can see how they are trying to meet their needs either through you or others. The biggest case in this is understanding of their defense mechanisms that are stemming from their childhood, but also their ability to self-actualize and understand their behavior instead of going into their traditional manipulation.

I hope this article has been found to be enlightening and conducive to where you are currently with the narcissist in your life. As always, stay balanced.