Are you over-functioning in your relationships?
Let’s discuss how over-functioning in our relationships is a sign of codependency and is related to our past trauma.
First, we need to define the idea of “over-functioning” in a relationship:
Expecting the other person to do something and when they do not fulfill this expectation, we over-compensate by doing it for them.
Not relying or being able to depend on the other person in the relationship to fulfill something that they were expected to do so we over-compensate by doing it ourselves.
Taking over tasks/activities/chores thinking that the other person will not be able to “handle” them when they are perfectly able to.
When the other person shares their frustration/emotions with something going on in their life and we have the urge to “fix” or “solve” their problems.
Constantly feeling overwhelmed, that everything depends on you and that if you do not handle something it won’t get “done” or won’t be done “right.”
These symptoms of over-functioning can happen in any type of relationship, not just romantic ones. These symptoms can even be apparent in parent-child relationships.
There is a lot going on with these dynamics and it does send ideas and expectations about the other person. If the other person is perfectly capable of meeting the demands that were set on them but we feel they are incapable, for whatever the reason, we are placing this idea that they cannot do it and the other person will choose not to follow through because of the doubt, that they are not able to meet your expectations, or that they “know” you will just do it for them. With either of these thoughts, it creates resentment for the over-functioning person because it is now placed on them to “figure it out.”
From the outside looking in, this can seem like the other person is not “holding their weight” or is “being selfish” and that everything can be changed/solved/fixed if the other person “gets their act together.” This may change things if it happens but we are avoiding the codependency and anxiety that the over-functioning person created in the first place. The over-functioning individual has anxiety about things not being complete/done/or finished in a particular way. Their trauma may be fueling this anxiety. If someone experiences something awful happening and feels that things have to be “done” a particular way we could be falsely “avoiding” another trauma from taking place. This over-functioning person is projecting their trauma “reality” onto the relationship and the other person to make them “feel better.” And, it does for the time being. If we do things ourselves without relying on others we in turn feel better because our anxiety is relieved for the time being or until another “thing” pops up.
The over-functioning person creates this idea that they need to be in control in order to feel in control and this cannot be fulfilled by the other person. So the over-functioning person takes over and leaves the idea that the other person is “not good enough”, “not doing enough”, “can’t be relied on”, and “causes more stress than being helpful.” The other person doesn’t like feeling this way and will basically not even try to meet the over-functioning person’s expectations in order to not feel this shame. So they are also avoiding a negative feeling and this in turn makes them feel good for the time being as well. But, the over-functioning person always becomes resentful because they are “taking over everything” and “not getting any help.”
When working with individuals who over-function, it is extremely important for them to explore where this over-functioning started and in what relationship it was created. This idea could even be modeled for the individual through another relationship and adopted when moving into a relationship like that in the future. For example, if a child saw that the mother was doing everything and the child was a female, she may have this idea that the mother is expected to do everything when she becomes a mother. So she adopted this over-functioning role of what was shown to her when she was younger.
Once we figure out where this over-functioning started, it is important to explore the anxiety created around the idea that everything has to be a particular way. You have to explore these thoughts, emotions, urges, impulses, and fears associated with the idea of delegating things and things not being done the way YOU feel they should be. This is extremely hard and difficult to do. Learning to rely on others in your life is a lot of vulnerability and you have to lean into that discomfort. You also have to accept the idea that people are going to disappoint you and that you have the responsibility to share these feelings with them and that the person who disappoints has the responsibility to share how they are going to change, resolve, or work on meeting the expectations of them. If they cannot meet them then this needs to be discussed.
Therapy is a wonderful way of working on your past codependency and understanding where your anxiety and need for control started. There is a way to recover from this and have healthy, long-lasting relationships with others.
